


Questions, Answers, and the Startling Wisdom of Friends

by planet_plantagenet



Series: Earth C Shenanigans [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexuality, Autism, Autistic Jake English, Conversations, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Identity Issues, Neurodiversity, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), discussions about consent and sexuality, internalized ableism, lots of talk about dirkjake but not enough for me to tag it, ok technically it's a meltdown but that isn't a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 04:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15502728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planet_plantagenet/pseuds/planet_plantagenet
Summary: Your name is Jake English, and now that the game is over, you have some shit you need to figure out, including but not limited to:1. The now fairly-obvious fact that your brain doesn’t quite seem to work like everyone else’s,2. Your sexual orientation, or lack thereof,3. And last but not least, some of your relationship problems.





	Questions, Answers, and the Startling Wisdom of Friends

The meeting is fairly standard—organized by Rose, and held in John’s living room, with the purpose of figuring out what the future of this new planet is going to be. No surprises there. Rose has ideas. Jane has ideas. Even that carapacian friend of Dave’s (who looks a bit like a Jawa, you’re quick to notice) has ideas.

It’s not like you expected it to go smoothly. You’re a bunch of dysfunctional teenagers trying to plan out an entire world. But you didn’t expect it to go this badly.

You’re sitting on the floor next to Jade, trying to pay attention to what has devolved into a whole lot of bickering between Dave and Karkat (is that his name? you never really caught it) about a completely irrelevant subject. Karkat is so loud, and everyone’s talking and yelling and trying to get back to the topic on hand, all eight or eleven or twelve of you or however many you are, all the voices at once and all the people you don't know—

Your nerves from the frog platform kick in again, but this isn’t an open space, it’s a room, where you’re sitting, squeezed in between Jane and Jade, feeling the fabric of their pants rub against your uncomfortably bare legs. And suddenly you’re noticing how small and cramped the room is, and how the sound bounces off the walls and multiplies into a cacophony that assaults your ears and fills your head—and your mind is screaming in a way it never has before.

You abscond. You don’t think anyone noticed—they’re all caught up in their argument or whatever—but you almost don’t care. Your sudden adrenaline takes you out of the house and across the grassy field. Sure, you could fly, but your instinct is to run. Maybe if you go fast enough you’ll leave behind all the thoughts that are spiralling through your mind.

There’s a forest right by John’s house. Forests are familiar. You head toward it, crashing through the trees until you can no longer see where you came from. It’s dark and cool and safe.

You trip over a log and plummet, face first, into a bush.

You lay there for a couple seconds, in shock. What the fuck just happened?

It’s only when your phone buzzes in your pocket that you pull yourself out of the bush and stagger over to sit down on the log.

 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

GG: hey!!  
GG: you ok? that was a pretty hasty abscond  
GT: Oh hello jade!  
GT: Yes i must agree i dont think ive run that fast in a while.  
GG: where are you?  
GT: Im in the nearby forest.  
GT: But if you were thinking of joining me im afraid i might not be very good company at the moment.  
GG: oh no, is something wrong?  
GG: you hadnt seemed that happy about all the arguing at the meeting :(  
GT: Nothing to worry about. Im just having a crisis.  
GG: a crisis sounds like something i should be worried about...  
GT: Its nothing major!  
GT: And besides ive been trying not to rely on my friends too much when it comes to matters such as these.  
GT: I dont want to involve you if you feel uncomfortable about it.  
GG: oh my god jake  
GG: is this about that whole thing with jane  
GG: oof i knew putting you next to her was a bad idea  
GT: Well i suppose it is somewhat related but theres a little more to it than just some petty friendship issues from a few days ago.  
GT: Good lord has it been only a few days??  
GT: It seems like janes birthday and the tricksters and ascending to god tier was eons ago!  
GT: Dear me that was not a very good birthday for her was it.  
GT: Actually come to think of it im not positive if that day even was her birthday!  
GT: I believe my memory is getting worse and worse.  
GG: jake youre rambling again  
GT: Oh i suppose i am! Im so sorry jade i think this is just an inherent part of who i am.  
GT: Actually im very sure thats the case.  
GT: Thats one of the parts of my crisis.  
GG: i was gonna offer to talk with you about it but it seems you’ve made that decision yourself  
GT: Oh no ive done it again! Im sorry im just feeling really anxious and grummy right now and it is not helping my quest to stop hijacking conversations like this.  
GT: Im sorry jade ill leave you be now.  
GG: look if something is bothering you, you really should talk to someone about it  
GG: im cool with being that person if you want to tell me!  
GG: come on dude talk to me  
GT: No jade i think this is something i have to figure out on my own.  
GT: I definitely cannot talk to anyone because then theyll hate me even more! I think i should just shut up now and leave social interaction to the people who actually know how to do it.  
GT: Good day!

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]

 

Your name is Jake English, and you are currently sitting on a log in the middle of the forest, and trying, rather unsuccessfully, to stop crying.

Everything feels so horribly wrong and you have no idea why. Your head is aching and your hands are shaking as you type your final message and stuff your phone back into your pocket.

This is so stupid! It’s not like you’ve never seen another human before. But usually they’ve been in groups of two or three. You can handle one person just fine. Especially if you know that person well. But 10+ humans (and, well, aliens) in a small room talking loudly? That’s not an experience you’ve ever had before.

You come to the conclusion that there’s something horribly wrong with you and your ability to function like a normal, social human being. It’s not a new thought. But it’s one that’s now emerging painfully clear in your mind.

Your head pounds. You slide to the ground and lean against the log, rocking back and forth, covering your face with your hands, taking in gulps of air that don’t help calm your racing heart. The wind in the trees, the rustle of branches, the crackle of leaves on the forest floor, an insect buzzing above you—everything is amplified. You would scream, but it would be too loud. You can feel the rough bark of the tree on your back, mud on your bare legs, grass tickling your arms. The leaves feel like daggers. You swat them away and squeeze your eyes shut and clamp your hands over your ears and wait.

You’re not sure how long it lasts. Your brain settles into a state of numbness. Sure, you’ve had panic attacks before, but this is different somehow.

It’s not until you hear a voice and feel a cool hand on your knee that you snap out of it, jerking your legs away and forcing your eyes open.

It’s Rose. She’s kneeling in front of you—too close, too close—and inspecting you with a gaze that is somehow both scrutinizing and sympathetic. She says something, but you can’t hear it. You peel your hands away from your ears and wrap them around your knees, feeling the awful slimy texture of the mud, retreating into yourself like a pillbug curling up into a ball.

“Jake,” she says, “are you okay?”

You try to speak, but no sound comes out. Isn’t it obvious? No, you are jolly well not okay!

Rose seems to notice, and leans back to an acceptable distance, placing her hands in her lap. “I noticed you leave. Was it the noise?”

You nod. That’s part of it, yeah—but you don’t know how to tell her that the sounds physically hurt you, that they clawed their way into your brain and made a nest there.

“Is there anything that I can do to help you?”

Just hearing her voice is pulling you back into the real world. Your head begins to clear, but you can’t speak yet. You just blink at her like an idiot.

“Sorry. You must be nonverbal.” She pulls her phone out, and a second later you feel a buzz in your pocket.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: Would you prefer to text?  
GT: Yes thank you i think this will be easier.  
GT: Im so sorry rose i dont know what came over me!  
GT: I was trying to pay attention to your meeting i really was but i just got so overwhelmed.  
TT: No need to apologize.  
GT: And now i cant even speak properly!  
TT: We figured out a solution, didn’t we?  
TT: I wish Roxy had told me you were autistic; I would have endeavored to arrange the meeting in a way that better accommodated your sensory needs.  
GT: Wait what?  
TT: That is to say: it will be quieter next time.  
GT: Not that i dont wholeheartedly appreciate your assurances but where in the hell did you get the idea that im autistic?  
TT: Was my assumption incorrect?  
GT: Um...  
GT: I dunno ive never been diagnosed with anything but i never thought that i...  
GT: Arent autistic people really smart and unemotional?  
GT: Like vulcans from star trek.  
TT: Oh dear.  
TT: Jake, I know you like movies. Has your entire knowledge of autism come from Rain Man?  
GT: Hey rain man is a great movie!  
GT: Not all of it has come from movies but to be fair there are not a whole lot of films that prominently feature characters with autism.  
TT: I’ve noticed.  
GT: But please tell me rose where you got that idea!  
TT: I don’t pretend to be a real psychology expert, but it’s hard to come across you here - in the middle of a meltdown, rocking back and forth with your hands over your ears, responding negatively to physical contact, and unable to speak - without immediately assuming you were autistic.  
GT: Oh gosh.  
GT: I didnt even realize i was doing half those things.  
GT: Its not like i havent entertained the thought that my brain was a little odd but i never imagined it could be something like that!  
GT: Oh dear now im kind of freaking out again.  
TT: I don’t want to dictate your emotions to you, but you should know that autism is perfectly normal and nothing to freak out about.  
GT: No its definitely not normal!  
GT: That is pretty much the definition of abnormal right there.  
GT: But now that i think about it it does make sense...  
GT: Ive always been downright clueless in social situations and i always misinterpret my friends and say the wrong things and make everything horribly awkward.  
GT: And then i always talk about myself because its so hard to understand everyone else or relate to them or know how theyre feeling.  
GT: Oh no im doing it again!  
GT: I told jade i wouldnt dump my problems on her but now look what im doing.  
TT: If it makes you feel any better, autistic people often have trouble with empathy. Talking about yourself could be your way of letting your friends know that you’ve had similar experiences to theirs, and therefore you sympathize.  
GT: No that doesnt make me feel better!  
GT: I think im just a selfish person.  
TT: It isn’t your fault if you have a hard time understanding other people’s emotions.  
GT: I suppose but i tried to get better at it and it didnt work!  
GT: I messed everything up with dirk and jane and everyone thinks im useless and weak.  
GT: Which is true.  
TT: Jake. I hardly know you at all, but instinct tells me that you’re beating yourself up over incidents that aren’t entirely your fault.  
GT: But they were my fault!  
TT: If so, isn’t it your responsibility to make amends?  
GT: I...  
GT: I suppose so but i have no clue how to do that.  
TT: That’s an entirely different problem.  
TT: Can you speak now?

 

“Sure,” you say, hesitantly. The word tastes weird in your mouth. You’ve stopped shaking, at least, but your mind is still reeling.

Rose looks up from her phone and smiles at you. The expression looks genuine. With a start you realize that you don’t really know how to tell.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Better, I think.”

“Would you like to keep talking with me?”

“Thanks, but I’m alright for now.” You don’t mention that talking about yourself even more is only going to make you feel worse.

“Okay,” says Rose, and begins pushing through the foliage in the opposite direction she came. You follow, wondering how she got here in the first place. It’s probably some sort of Seer thing. Knowing things others don’t.

 

*

 

When you get back to your house—or rather, the remains of your house, which Jade has carefully placed next to hers—you have two sets of messages on your laptop. (Fortunately, you’ve got a new one that isn’t a helmet and doesn’t hurt your eyes.) The messages are from Rose, and from Roxy. A ball of lead settles in your stomach as you read Roxy’s.

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

TG: holy shit jake!!  
TG: i cant believe youre autistic too omg you have to talk to dirk  
GT: Now wait just a hot second.  
GT: Did rose say something to you?  
TG: yea....  
TG: o dear did u not want anyone to know  
GT: Well i think its a little rude for you and rose to be talking about my mental health behind my back!  
TG: oh no jake dont worry it wasnt like that!  
TG: she just knew i was a friend of yours and wanted to know how to support you and stuff!  
GT: Shes not planning on telling anyone else is she?  
TG: ofc not!  
GT: Well i must say thats a relief.  
GT: Cant have all my friends knowing how screwy my brain is.  
GT: Even though i guess it was more obvious than i mightve previously assumed.  
GT: And besides i dont even know if i have autism. Rose said she thought i did but she might be wrong.  
GT: To be frank im kind of hoping she is.  
TG: jake its nothing to be embarrassed about or scared of!  
TG: ive got adhd we can be neurodiversity buddies :3  
GT: How did you figure THAT out?  
TG: i did a bunch of research abt it adn figured yup thats me  
GT: Oh thats cool i guess.  
GT: Now if youll excuse me id like to see what rose sent me.

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: I found this in my psychology reference folder. I thought you might be interested.  
TT: autismdiagnosticcriteria.pdf

 

You download the file and open it. A page of small font, bullet points, and long words stares back at you. You’re glad you’re not reading this on your skulltop. You lean forward and scan the paragraphs in front of you.

Deficits in social communication. The phrase hits you like a punch to the chest. Fuck, that’s it, that’s what you’ve been worrying about. You skim the accompanying paragraph. Problems with social-emotional reciprocity. You’re… not entirely sure what that means. Nonverbal communication problems. Okay, you don’t know exactly what that means either. But a couple of the examples stand out to you. Eye contact. By golly, eye contact is difficult. Body language? Yeah, you’re not really very good at understanding that, either. You’ve absorbed stuff from movies, of course, but putting it into practice is harder than you’d thought.

And then, of course—deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships. Yeah, that one hits a little too close to home.

You look at the second part. Repetitive motor movements. Okay, that means nothing to you. What, like shaking your hands out? Rocking back and forth? Sure. Then there’s insistence on sameness and routine. Dislike of change. Oh. Yeah, okay, you can see that. You remember how terrifying everything was after you ascended to god tier—new outfits, new locations, Jane being mind controlled… well, to be fair, that last one had been scary for everyone. But it was different from the norm, totally going against everything you’re used to, and that was something you couldn’t handle. You might’ve just ascribed your reaction to cowardice, but maybe there was something else going on there too…?

The last two are absolutely relatable. Intense interests—well, movies, of course! And you’re no stranger to sensory hypersensitivity. The paragraph also describes an unusual interest in certain sensory inputs—perhaps that’s where your love of fisticuffs comes from? And you’ve always loved to touch jungle plants with interesting textures.

The rest of the pdf is meaningless psychobabble that you somehow suspect is mostly irrelevant to you. You lean back in your chair. Did you really just relate to every single point on that sheet? Er, all of the ones you understood, at least. That’s really something.

Your eyes drop to your legs, which are still caked with dried mud. The instant you notice it, you feel the sensation on your skin intensify, and you leap up to grab a damp towel with which you can clean yourself off. You also take the opportunity to change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. You’ve gotten used to the god tier pajamas, sure, but right now you’d prefer something familiar.

Familiar. You’re starting to see how much comfort you take from the familiarity of clothes, people, a location, a situation. You might’ve viewed your island life as an exciting adventure, but in reality, what was foreign to the makers of island adventure movies was everyday for you. There was routine in exploring, fighting monsters, and wrestling with Dirk’s robot in a place you knew so well. Even in the Medium, patterns emerged.

Then Jane licked a magic lollipop and everything went spiralling out of your control.

You sit down with your computer again.

 

GT: Thanks rose i looked through it.  
GT: I daresay every one of these bullet points describes my life!  
TT: How do you feel about it?  
GT: I dont know to be perfectly honest.  
GT: Im not sure what to think of it yet.  
GT: I always thought i was normal but really how normal can you be if you grew up alone on an island?  
GT: Two of my other friends also grew up alone so i suppose theyre not the best models for normal human behavior either.  
TT: That’s something I’m starting to realize myself as well.  
TT: One cannot go through such a life-changing, traumatic experience as we have, especially at such a young age, and come out of it truly believing that they’re normal, whatever “normal” means.  
TT: At the very least, we are all now immortal, give or take a few caveats. That certainly isn’t normal.  
GT: I think youre right.  
GT: Youre incredibly wise rose has anyone ever told you that?  
TT: Thank you, but I’m still a teenager. We can’t know everything, although being a Seer of Light has helped a little in that regard.  
TT: You’re a hero of Hope, aren’t you? Would you consider yourself an optimist?  
GT: I suppose so in the most general of senses but its hard not to be dragged down into the pit of low self esteem.  
GT: I try to have hope and at times i think my hopes the only thing thats keeping me going but it doesnt keep me from feeling like a wreck and an asshole and a failure.  
GT: Wow that was not where i wanted this conversation to go.  
GT: Im sorry rose i keep thinking about the pdf you sent me and it keeps reminding me of what a social screwup i am.  
TT: You may be the autistic one, but don’t forget - I doubt there’s one person here who can honestly call themself a master of socialization.  
TT: Well, perhaps the Mayor, but that’s in less of a social sense and more of a socialism sense.  
GT: Hahahah.  
GT: So you think i am the autistic one then?  
TT: What do you think?  
GT: It seems very likely.  
GT: Its still a terrifying thought though.  
GT: Everything tells me that autistic people are supposed to be the... other. Not me.  
GT: Will it change how everyone treats me?  
TT: Probably not. It’s also your decision whether or not you want to tell them.  
TT: Let me reiterate something I’ve said many times before.  
TT: Earth is dead; we have razed it to the ground and built it up anew. Like a phoenix, one could say, if they were feeling especially poetic.  
TT: Why should we adhere to the rules and norms of a society that no longer exists? As Shakespeare said, “You and I cannot be confined within the weak list of a country’s fashion; we are the makers of manners.”  
GT: Whoa did you just have that shakespeare quote all up and ready to go?  
TT: No, I admit I had to look it up.  
TT: My point is: who gives a fuck about “normal.”  
TT: I am a lesbian. I had known this about myself before the game, but only became comfortable with it on our meteor journey.  
TT: I could have let my internalized homophobia consume me, but I didn’t, because Earth’s rules regarding gender and sexuality were absolute bullshit.  
GT: Yes i had a similar realization when i was coming to terms with my sexuality!  
GT: Come to think of it i never really finished that line of pondering...  
GT: Perhaps i should come back to it.  
GT: Darn it ive forgotten what we were talking about in the first place.  
TT: Autism.  
GT: Right.  
GT: You know rose im starting to wonder what with all your talk about sexual orientation.  
GT: Can something like autism affect how you view your sexuality?  
TT: Absolutely.  
GT: Okay thats interesting because ive been thinking about how i dont think i feel attraction in the same way normal people do.  
TT: You’re queer, aren’t you? By definition your attractions are going to be different from the norm.  
GT: I think i settled on the label bisexual but yes i see what you mean.  
GT: Im not sure how to describe it.  
GT: After the whole trickster fiasco when we were waiting to off ourselves on the slabs i felt like i could never have legitimate romantic feelings for anyone.  
GT: Drat im really getting off track here again.  
TT: Have you talked to John at all?  
GT: A little on the frog platform but not much otherwise.  
GT: Why?  
TT: He’s also questioning his sexuality, or lack thereof - I expect talking to him would be more useful than talking to me.  
GT: Oh! Id be delighted.  
GT: Thanks for the suggestion rose. Also me and john are technically related so this could be some family bonding time.  
GT: Also thanks in general for listening to me prattle on. Youre so kind and patient.  
TT: No problem.  
TT: I must admit, however, that these conversations are somewhat emotionally draining. Shall we call it a day?  
GT: Oh yes its no problem at all.  
GT: Ill talk to john i think. Thanks again!  
GT: Wait whats his chumhandle?  
TT: ectoBiologist.  
GT: Cool thanks!

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

GT: Hello john!  
GT: Your chumhandle is fantastic. Ghostbusters is an excellent movie.  
EB: hey!  
EB: yeah, it’s definitely one of my favorites.  
GT: Have you seen the 2016 reboot?  
EB: they made a reboot??  
EB: oh shit, i bet it’s awful.  
GT: No its actually really good! Dirk showed it to me once since he comes from the future.  
GT: Its an all female reboot too which was pretty nifty.  
EB: oh, that’s actually kinda neat.  
EB: also, turns out my chumhandle has a meaning beyond just the obvious ghostbusters reference...  
EB: did you ever hear about the real life ectobiology i did in the game??  
GT: I did! Id forgotten about that!  
GT: Was it exciting?  
EB: uh, i remember it being more confusing than exciting.  
EB: hey, all this ghostbusters talk is reminding me...  
EB: wanna hang out at my house at some point and watch a movie?  
EB: you can show me weekend at bernies, and i can show you some of my favorites!  
GT: Oh man that sounds absolutely swell!!!  
GT: Your earth died in 2009 right? I can show you some of the movies you missed!  
GT: One of the very best is called avatar and its about a human who goes undercover to live with aliens and learn about their society.  
EB: sounds cool! i like sci fi a lot.  
GT: Its a date then!  
GT: Not an actual date mind you because that would be weird.  
GT: Darn it i completely forgot what i was going to talk to you about in the first place.  
GT: I always get so excited about movies and then i ramble on and on.  
GT: For example did you know that avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time??  
EB: whoa! it must be really good!  
GT: Yes it absolutely deserves it.  
GT: I always wanted to get dirk to show me the sequel but he couldnt find it.  
GT: Im not sure how much of the internet he had access to but there were some movies that he could find and some he couldnt.  
GT: He did manage to find all the star wars reboots though and those were really fun.  
EB: there were star wars reboots??  
GT: Well they were more like sequels. I loved them a lot.  
EB: wow.  
EB: have you ever seen a movie you didn’t love?  
GT: There are some that i like more than others but to be quite frank ive never seen a movie that i actively disliked.  
GT: Even weird ones like daves.  
EB: wait dave made movies??  
GT: Yeah in our universe he did!  
GT: Well I suppose calling them movies is a bit of a stretch but i think i would classify them as such.  
GT: I would tell you about them but i actually had another topic of discussion in mind.  
GT: Ive been talking with rose and she mentioned youd been questioning your sexuality. As have i.  
GT: Would you be open to talking about it a little?  
EB: oh, sure, i guess!  
EB: that wasn’t really what i was expecting you to ask about, but the topic has been on my mind, so why not.  
GT: Thats great!  
EB: do you want to go first or should i?  
GT: Youd better start. If i go first ill just rattle on and on.  
EB: hehe ok!  
EB: i mean, there isn’t really much to say.  
EB: it’s just confusing, because sexuality is supposed to be about who you like, right? but i’ve never liked anyone in that way!  
GT: Thats exactly my problem too!!  
EB: wow! guess great minds think alike.  
EB: er... have similar romantic experiences.  
GT: So youve never liked anyone at all?  
EB: not really!  
EB: well, now that i think about it, maybe.  
GT: Maybe?  
EB: it’s hard to say, ok?  
EB: don’t tell him i said this, but you know dave?  
GT: Oh dirks ecto brother?  
EB: he’s pretty cute!  
GT: I suppose he is!  
GT: But i think theres a difference between admiring someone for their appearance and liking them.  
GT: For example i think that the main alien woman in avatar is REALLY attractive!  
GT: But that doesnt mean i want to date her.  
EB: yeah exactly!  
GT: I must admit i get much of my information about relationships from movies and you know what has always struck me as odd?  
GT: The idea that sex must always be part of a relationship.  
GT: Between you and me john ive never found that appealing at all.  
EB: same!!  
EB: man, jake, you’re just stealing the words from out of my mouth.  
EB: maybe i’m just too young to feel those sorts of things, but i’m sixteen. i think by now i should know what sexual attraction feels like?  
EB: i was talking about it with rose, though.  
EB: apparently you can be asexual.  
GT: Asexual!  
GT: Well if theres an actual word for it that makes me feel a little better.  
GT: And less like i have some sort of defect.  
EB: oh no, is that how you felt?  
EB: or, uh, feel.  
GT: A little!  
GT: Actually a lot.  
EB: oh man, that sucks.  
EB: if it makes you feel better, i’m pretty sure that being asexual is like, a fairly normal experience.  
GT: I understand but it still makes me feel weird.  
GT: When i was with dirk some things came up.  
GT: I dont really want to talk about it actually. Or rather not right now.  
EB: you were with dirk? like dating him??  
GT: Yes.  
GT: It was good at first but there were some problems and we ended up breaking up under not so ideal circumstances.  
GT: Its kind of a long story to be frank.  
GT: Afterwards i sort of convinced myself that i had never liked him but looking back on it that was wrong in all sorts of ways.  
GT: Maybe i was just trying to cope but also perhaps comparing our relationship to all the sorts of things i thought a relationship should be?  
EB: i’m a little confused, did you like him or not?  
GT: Oh i definitely did like him.  
GT: I think i still do but i have NO idea how to bring that up with him.  
GT: But i didnt like him in a conventional way i suppose you could say.  
GT: And by that i mean to put it crudely that i didnt want to have sex with him.  
GT: Which stems back into our discussion on asexuality.  
EB: right.  
EB: well, you can like someone romantically without liking them sexually, right?  
GT: I think i understand that better now but at times i feel like i was conflating the two.  
EB: yeah, me too.  
EB: i mean, usually they are conflated! and that works well for most people.  
EB: but not for us, it sounds like.  
EB: so did we figure it out? we’re both asexual but not aromantic?  
EB: or at least probably not.  
EB: i’m still working on that.  
GT: Aromantic!  
GT: Theres another interesting concept.  
GT: Im certainly not aromantic but i daresay my brain functions oddly when it comes to romance.  
GT: Like it does with everything else.  
EB: hehe that’s fair.  
EB: there are probably some pretty obscure names for different types of romantic attraction, but i don’t think we need them.  
EB: if we ever do, though, i BET karkat would know all of them.  
EB: troll romance is really complicated too, and he LOVES all that sorta stuff.  
GT: Oh man lets not get into troll romance. Human romance is complex enough for me.  
EB: hehehe, mood.  
EB: hey, kinda weird question.  
EB: actually you know what, given what we’re talking about, it’s not weird at all.  
EB: are you gay?  
GT: Im bisexual.  
GT: Which i suppose is a type of gayness.  
EB: cool.  
GT: Are you?  
EB: i don’t know!  
EB: like i said, i’m still figuring it out.  
EB: how did you realize you were bi?  
GT: Well i remember talking with dirk one time about how i would probably like him if he were a girl.  
GT: And then later i realized that was stupid and i liked him anyway regardless of his gender.  
EB: hm, ok.  
EB: did it take you a while to accept it?  
GT: I didnt actually think about it much.  
GT: Then i started dating dirk and thought about it a lot more.  
GT: Because theres a big difference between liking a boy and actually dating one!  
GT: Or kissing someones severed head.  
EB: wait, what??  
GT: Its a really long story.  
GT: I had to kiss him back to life. I didnt want to.  
GT: Well i did but not under those particular circumstances.  
GT: Gosh im sorry john im talking about myself again.  
EB: hehe it’s ok!  
EB: once i had to kiss rose to bring her back to life. it was really weird.  
EB: i wonder if it would have been less weird if i was attracted to girls.  
EB: actually, no, it probably would’ve been weird regardless.  
EB: i can’t think of a situation where corpse smooching wouldn’t be weird!  
EB: wow, now i’m talking about myself. you’ve rubbed off on me, jake!  
GT: It was related to the conversation though.  
EB: yeah.  
EB: ...  
EB: is that the end then?  
GT: What?  
EB: is there anything else we haven’t mentioned?  
GT: About sexuality and the like?  
EB: yeah, i guess, since that’s what we’re supposed to be talking about, right.  
EB: oh... did you want to talk more about your relationship with dirk?  
EB: and how it related to your asexuality?  
GT: Uh.  
EB: it’s ok if it makes you uncomfortable, i won’t push you.  
EB: “some things came up” is pretty vague though.  
GT: Were you interested?  
EB: uh... kind of?  
GT: Well...  
GT: There were some times when he...  
GT: Okay this IS making me feel uncomfortable.  
EB: ok, we can talk about something else!  
GT: Well actually i think it might be beneficial to discuss.  
GT: Even if i dont like it.  
GT: You seem like the sort of person who wont judge me at all right?  
EB: of course not!  
GT: Thank you john youre such a good friend.  
GT: Or ecto brother perhaps?  
EB: oh yeah!  
GT: Well there was this one time a couple months after wed gotten together.  
GT: Wed finally gotten used to making out with each other and it turns out dirks quite the cuddler.  
GT: Oh dear im sorry you really dont need that level of detail.  
EB: hehe, i’m not judging, remember?  
GT: Right.  
GT: Anyway it got a little intense.  
GT: In retrospect its quite obvious he wanted to have sex with me.  
GT: But in the moment i didnt really realize that until he asked me.  
GT: And i freaked out and ran away.  
EB: oh boy.  
EB: like, full on abscond?  
GT: Indeed.  
GT: Its so embarrassing to think about now.  
GT: I know this is really terrible but...  
GT: How do i say this.  
GT: I kept thinking that i wasnt living up to dirks expectations??  
EB: wait what??  
EB: if his expectations were that you’d fuck him, that’s just horrible.  
GT: No of course not!!  
GT: That was poor phrasing.  
GT: I felt awful for not being able to give him something that he clearly wanted.  
EB: did you talk about it?  
GT: Yes.  
GT: He also felt bad about it.  
GT: He thought he was pushing me but he definitely wasnt.  
GT: I suppose it was an expectation i had for myself rather than one he had for me.  
EB: yeah, that makes sense.  
EB: you said he asked you first, right? that’s good!  
GT: Yes! Consent is very important.  
GT: And he knows that.  
EB: so the two of you worked it out?  
GT: Yes.  
GT: He told me we didnt have to have sex if i didnt want to and hed never try to push me into anything that made me uncomfortable.  
GT: And he said he wasnt disappointed in me and even that he was proud of me for standing up for myself.  
EB: awwww.  
EB: sounds like it ended well, then?  
GT: Well yes but i couldnt help thinking something was wrong with me.  
GT: And that id be a better boyfriend if i just shut up and went along with it.  
EB: no dude that’s bullshit!  
GT: I know!  
GT: Thats what dirk said too.  
GT: I think i get it now though.  
GT: Now that were talking about asexuality.  
GT: Did you ever feel like you were broken somehow?  
EB: no, actually... i just didn’t really think about it.  
EB: but also, i’ve never been in a relationship.  
EB: hey... remember when we talked on the frog platform?  
GT: Yes?  
EB: and how you told me about how you thought your god tier outfit was too sexy?  
GT: Oh yes!  
GT: And you told me i looked like a superhero.  
GT: That was a laugh for sure.  
EB: well, you do look like a super hero!  
EB: anyway, do you think that has something to do with your asexualness?  
EB: like, not wanting to be sexualized.  
EB: and that’s why you felt uncomfortable about your costume?  
GT: Yes i think thats definitely part of it.  
GT: I changed into longer pants though and now i feel a little better.  
EB: that’s good!  
GT: Youre definitely right about not wanting to be sexualized.  
GT: Did i tell you about the trickster fiasco?  
EB: uh, i might’ve heard a little about it from roxy.  
GT: It was certainly an ordeal.  
GT: But in retrospect it was actually quite scary!  
GT: One thing i remember was promising that i would make lots of babies with jane.  
GT: Something i would NEVER say in real life!  
GT: Even the thought makes me anxious.  
GT: And then when jane got mind controlled by the batterwitch she wanted to...  
GT: I dont even know.  
GT: She wanted me to help her supply babies for the batterwitchs empire.  
GT: Im sure you can process the implications of that.  
EB: that’s so gross!!!  
EB: she wanted you to be like... some sort of sex slave??  
GT: Yes but that wasnt the real jane.  
GT: Jane would NEVER do that!!  
EB: still, that would make ANYONE uncomfortable.  
EB: hell, that would make anyone absolutely terrified!  
GT: Yep i was pretty terrified.  
GT: Wow i have talked a LOT.  
GT: I never thought i would actually be able to talk about all this with someone!  
GT: But you make me feel really comfortable john.  
EB: i’m glad!  
GT: Its no wonder im asexual honestly. Every experience ive had regarding sex has been just awful.  
GT: I mean in some way i think i should feel flattered?  
EB: how come?  
GT: So many people have had the hots for me! I guess i must be exceptionally good looking or something.  
GT: But even if those people mean well it still feels weird that someone would feel like THAT about me.  
GT: Not that im undeserving of it though i have felt like that at times.  
GT: But rather...  
GT: I dont know.  
EB: it wasn’t something you wanted?  
GT: Well obviously but theres more to it than that.  
GT: It feels like a judgement theyre making about my body?  
GT: One that i cant really control.  
EB: huh.  
EB: i suppose i can’t relate, because i’ve never known anyone who’s had a crush on me.  
EB: well, there’s karkat, i suppose.  
EB: ...  
EB: ok, the idea that thirteen year old karkat wanted to hate-fuck me is kind of terrifying, you’re right.  
EB: but also really funny.  
GT: Karkat liked you?  
EB: yeah, in a weird troll way.  
EB: i think i see what you mean though... it’s just kind of gross to imagine, that THAT’S what they’re thinking when they look at you.  
EB: like, when karkat was watching me, was he just constantly salivating over my sex appeal?  
EB: oh my god, i did not need that image in my head.  
EB: topic cancelled. i never want to think about this again.  
GT: Heheheh.  
GT: I think its different if you requite their feelings on some level but its still weird.  
GT: Alright i think thats all i wanted to say.  
GT: It feels good to get it out.  
EB: i’ll bet.  
EB: man, how long have we been talking?  
GT: Quite a long time id wager.  
EB: yeah.  
EB: oh hey, when do you want to watch all those movies?  
GT: Tomorrow maybe!  
EB: awesome!  
EB: anything else you want to say before we declare this conversation over?  
GT: Not really.  
GT: Did you have anything?  
GT: I realize ive been dominating the conversation.  
EB: it’s ok, i didn’t have much to begin with.  
EB: i’ll tell you if i think of anything else though.  
GT: Likewise.  
GT: Goodbye then?  
EB: bye jake!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

 

You close your eyes and run your fingers through your hair. Man, that was an intense conversation. Your heart rate is finally slowing down, though, and the butterflies have left your stomach. But overall… you feel pretty good about how it went? You’re so grateful that John was willing to speak so openly and honestly, and listen to you without judgement.

But when you minimize the chat window, an ice cold feeling settles in your chest. Dirk has been pestering you.

 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: Hey, Jake.  
TT: Sorry to bother you.  
TT: I know this is the first time I’ve pestered you since before the trickster incident, and if you don’t want to hear from me, I get it.  
GT: Oh hello!  
GT: No dont worry its no trouble at all.  
TT: Oh, there you are.  
GT: To be honest i was wondering when you were going to try and talk to me again!  
GT: No wait that came out wrong.  
TT: It’s fine, I understand what you mean.  
GT: Also i didnt not want to hear from you!  
GT: Ive just been doing other things.  
TT: If you want to talk later, we can.  
GT: Oh really? I have to say that might be nice.  
GT: Its not that i dont want to talk with you but ive had kind of a rough day and id rather not try to sort out all our relationship problems in my current state of mind.  
GT: I think we both messed up and we both have to make amends for that.  
GT: For example i shouldve communicated to you more clearly that i wanted more space. Im sorry for ignoring you.  
TT: Actually, I wasn’t planning on discussing our relationship problems, although that’s a conversation we’ve got to have eventually.  
TT: I agree, mistakes were made on both sides.  
TT: I definitely know that I fucked up big time, and I’m sorry as well.  
TT: Anyway, we can continue this another time.  
TT: You had a rough day?  
GT: Yeah i had a panic attack earlier.  
GT: Or something like that.  
GT: And then two different identity crises!  
TT: Oh shit.  
TT: I’d offer to talk about it, but you know I’m not all that great at offering emotional support.  
GT: Thats ok i already talked through most of it.  
GT: And for the record i think you ARE good at emotional support.  
GT: But in your own way.  
GT: Most of the time.  
TT: Ha.  
TT: Not sure how true that is, but thanks anyway.  
GT: No problem pal.  
GT: What was the reason you pestered me?  
TT: Oh yeah.  
TT: Roxy told me you were autistic.  
GT: What???  
GT: Are the mental issues of jake english suddenly public property now??  
GT: I only figured this out today and now three whole people know!!  
TT: Shit, if I’d known you wanted to keep it private, I wouldn’t have brought it up. Sorry.  
TT: However, Roxy did have a reason for telling me in particular.  
TT: I’m autistic too.  
GT: Holy shitting christ.  
GT: How long have you known??  
TT: A while. Since I was thirteen or so.  
TT: It’s not like I’ve been professionally diagnosed, but I’ve got no reason to distrust the months of obsessive research I’ve done.  
GT: Wow.  
GT: Im not sure what to say!  
GT: I want to say i never wouldve guessed you were autistic but then again id say the same thing about myself.  
TT: I’m sorry for never telling you.  
GT: No its fine i see why youd want to keep it to yourself.  
GT: I dont quite know how my younger self wouldve reacted!  
GT: Man. Its no wonder we had communication problems.  
TT: Honestly.  
TT: I blamed a lot of our problems on my own inability to understand emotions properly, but it seems you were just as much of an offender.  
GT: Definitely.  
GT: So...  
GT: Did you ever guess that i might be autistic too?  
TT: Not exactly.  
TT: I don’t think i paid as much attention to your more autistic behaviors because I displayed them too.  
TT: And since you were my main bro most of the time, if there was something both you and I did, I just assumed it was a trait common to all humans.  
TT: For example, sensory seeking.  
GT: Sensory seeking?  
TT: We both love textures. I like smooth things. You like rough things. We touched a lot of things.  
GT: I suppose youre right!  
GT: If only wed known this before the game! Wed have had a lot more to bond over.  
TT: Yeah, and also been able to accommodate each others’ needs.  
TT: Though it’s not exactly too late.  
GT: In what way?  
TT: Well, we now have one more thing to talk about.  
TT: I’m honestly dying to hear about your experiences and how they differ from mine.  
GT: That would be great!!  
GT: Man dirk this is making me really happy.  
TT: I’m glad.  
TT: It’s a stupid thought, but if we ever were to get back together, maybe we could do it right this time, armed with this new knowledge.  
GT: Its not a stupid thought!  
GT: I dont know if im ready to think about the future of our relationship though.  
TT: Understandable.  
TT: For now, shall we characterize it as “autism buddies”?  
GT: Yes!  
GT: Buddies sounds swell.  
TT: Fuck yeah.  
GT: Also...  
GT: When i said i had a panic attack that wasnt quite right.  
GT: I dont know what to call it but all the noise and talking at the meeting really freaked me out to put it lightly.  
GT: I ran off into the woods and curled up into a crying shaking hypersensitive ball.  
TT: Oh, a meltdown?  
GT: Sounds about right.  
TT: I’m sorry, those fucking suck.  
TT: It was pretty loud in there. I can absolutely see why that’d overwhelm you.  
TT: I highkey dissociated through that entire meeting. I should probably talk to Rose about making them more neurodiversity-friendly.  
GT: Oh i talked to her a bit earlier!  
GT: Shes honestly amazing. She helped me through my meltdown.  
TT: That’s great.  
GT: She was also the one who suggested i might have autism in the first place!  
TT: Oh yeah, Roxy mentioned.  
TT: How are you feeling about it?  
GT: About what?  
TT: Being autistic.  
TT: I know it’s difficult finding out something like that about yourself.  
GT: I suppose so.  
GT: Im feeling a lot better though.  
GT: Learning you had it too has really raised my spirits.  
GT: Im glad were on speaking terms again. Im looking forward to talking with you more.  
TT: Were we not on speaking terms?  
GT: Well lets be honest we were kind of ignoring each other.  
GT: Or rather avoiding talking to each other.  
TT: Fair enough.  
TT: Is that it, then?  
GT: What?  
TT: Just like that, we’re friends again.  
GT: Of course!  
TT: I’m glad.  
GT: Me too.  
GT: Ive missed you old chum.  
TT: Same.  
TT: If we’re done here, then I’m going to talk to Rose.  
TT: Perhaps in person.  
TT: Care to join us? Your input on the structure of the next few meetings would be essential.  
GT: Absolutely!  
GT: See you in five minutes.

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]


End file.
